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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28886637">Love and War</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaisytheDoodleDog/pseuds/DaisytheDoodleDog'>DaisytheDoodleDog</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, But also not that suprised, But like... its sweet?, Character Death, Guys this is exactly what you think it is, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, ITS JUST AN AU GUYS ITS FINE, Kagehina for lifeeee, M/M, NOTHING BUT PAIN, No aot spoilers, Pain, Well they're all badass, daichi is a badass</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 08:34:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,941</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28886637</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaisytheDoodleDog/pseuds/DaisytheDoodleDog</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
      <p>Idk why I wrote this, but I figured that I should share my pain with the rest of the world. Enjoy!</p>
    </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Love and War</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Idk why I wrote this, but I figured that I should share my pain with the rest of the world. Enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>Love and War</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Kageyama Tobio was known for his observation skills. He was able to spot a titan on his scouting regiments long before it pierced the veil of pine and filtered sunlight and took a swipe at the men atop their horses. He was known for that keen eye and impeccable aim, for he never once faltered at his target. It was almost superhuman to watch in the way his eyes remained clear and focused even with the blood that he blinked out of his eyelashes. It wasn’t his blood, and that was a comforting thought.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t have to care about anyone but himself out here. The woods were kill or be killed, he knew this, his commanders knew this, only the fools who thought about the betterment of humanity in the long term wouldn’t last to see the trip home. So there was no point in learning his squads names, there was no point in asking about their life stories or even returning their watery smiles as they lived to see the hour, only to see their faces contort as they were torn from limb to limb, the next. It made no difference to Kageyama, because the second he let an emotion show, the second he let his mind wander on the thought of their lives as something beyond collateral damage, he would be dead too.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kageyama wiped the blood splatters off his face but it only made it smear across his pale skin, a ghostly contrast to the deep crimson. It wasn’t his blood. He was alive, he was fine. That was all that mattered. He brought his gaze to the sky, the endless blue, stained only with thin wispy clouds. There were hints of smoke in the atmosphere, green and black fading like the souls of the dead that lay around him. Kageyama rolled his shoulders back and readjusted his equipment. He was alive.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He would make it home. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Kageyama!” A voice cut through the eerie silence of the aftermath. Kageyama turned his head, watching the figure approach him, the green cloak flaring behind him. The figure looked almost angelic, in his light steps over the green patches, stepping over the bodies in the most graceful way. “You lost your horse.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah.” Kageyama scowled, looking back at the base of the pine tree several paces ahead, where a brown mustang laid at an unnatural angle, its breathing labored and quickly declining. It’s spine had snapped, so at least it wasn’t in pain, but it would be dead in a matter of minutes. But he wasn’t dead, that’s what mattered.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ve got an extra one.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you Suga.” Suga nodded at him and turned on his heels. Suga too, didn't look rattled by the sight of the bodies, or at least what was left of them, random limbs laying bloodied in the grass, waiting for the earth to take over, and give back to the beginning of the life cycle. There were a few scattered bodies that were somewhat identifiable, with large chunks bit out of them, a pool of blood tarnishing the little glowing white wildflowers, with a rapidly drying rust. Kageyama ignored it all, and looked straight at Suga.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Have you seen Daichi?” Unlike Kageyama, Suga cared about his comrades. Suga had room in his soul for love, had an ability to feel, but unlike the other dumbasses who thought they could balance love and war and ended up dead in an instant, Suga was able to use that ability to love, to kill. And he was damn good at it too.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No. He was on the outskirts.” Suga nodded and mounted his horse, one with the same silvery hair as Suga’s, the shiny tufts glistening in the sunlight. He clicked his tongue and the horse snorted, turning sharply before tearing off in the direction of the outskirts where the patrol posts were stationed. Kageyama threw one last glance back at his old horse, now lying lifeless, and allowed himself to feel the slightest twitch of guilt. It wasn’t the horse's fault for being dragged into the war. It hadn’t asked to die for humanity. At least the soldiers understood the consequence of the question.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He climbed onto the new horse, a rowdy mare, and guided her towards the edge of the woods. Far along the horizon, he caught sight of a few titans limping across the hills. They were too far away to be a problem yet, and so he ignored them, following along to the edge of the patrol. He passed by a few people he did know a little better, people he had learned to trust not to die on him, like Tanaka and Nishinoya, the deadly duo of ironic stealth.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The pair had taken to calling themselves the “silent, but deadly,” much to their immature amusement, and Captain Daichi had scowled at them as they paraded around the valley shouting this. But as much as the name was a result of their childish antics, it did hold firm to their nature. Noya swung low to the ground, always coming out of nowhere, presumably because of his smaller stature and ability to find tiny hiding holes, and with one swift movement could cut the feet clean off the titans. Tanaka was always milliseconds behind, normally screaming with thrill as the cords would plunge deep into whatever solid surface allowed him to swing along the back of the titan and slash the nape of their necks clean open.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The two, together, had killed over 57 titans in their career. All of them had been assists for the other, and with that, the utterly ridiculous “silent, but deadly” duo became headlines in Trost. Of course, this had been before the collapse of the walled city. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kageyama sent them a subtle nod and noticed panic in Tanka’s eyes as he leaned down over a body in the grass. Kageyama didn’t stop to wonder if it was Noya who was bleeding out, for it didn’t matter. It wasn’t him who was bleeding out, and he was determined to keep it that way. But Kageyama’s curiosity did override his stubbornness and he tossed one more look over his shoulder, seeing Noya approach Tanaka from behind. So Noya was alive. Kageyama didn’t take a second longer to see who was dead at Tanaka’s feet.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Up ahead Kageyama caught sight of the supply wagon, some of the men loading up supplies, as they prepared to head home. Daichi was at the front, barking orders, a bandage wrapped around his cut short hair, blood already seeping through the dirty rag. Suga had beat Kageyama to him, already sliding off his horse and grabbing Daichi for a firm kiss.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Suga always kissed Daichi as if it would be their last.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kageyama figured that was the smartest way to love in a world like this.  Although he shifted uncomfortably, because love was also the stupidest decision a person could make in this world.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey! Kageyama! How many did you get?” Daichi clapped him on the back, before bending over to heave a barrel of extra blades into the wagon.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Two sir. And 3 assists.” Daichi nodded, a proud grin spreading across his face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Alrighty then. Let’s move out. If we get home before nightfall, drinks are on me.” Daichi slapped the rear of one of the carriage horses, causing them to snort and kick at the ground before pulling onward. Suga tossed a leg over his horse, leaning sideways on the saddle to grab Daichi by the collar and kiss him again, and again it was like it would be the last time they ever saw each other. They exchanged a nod, fully accepting that challenge that it might be, and Suga rode off to join up with his formation, pretending as if Daichi didn’t exist at all. Kageyama wrinkled his nose at the exchange but he found himself wondering how they were able to put themselves into that mindset. How were they able to switch their emotions on and off as if it was locked in their rib cages, preventing any emotions from seeping through until the other person unlocked their cages.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kageyama never understood it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shit dude! Did you see Kiyoko? Ripped her shirt open when a titan grabbed her. She was halfway in his mouth before she cut off it’s ugly ass fingers and escaped!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is she still missing her shirt?!” Kageyama rolled his eyes at the conversation going on behind him and quickly veered off, ensuring that while he was still in formation, he could get lost in his own thoughts, without ever having to think about anyone else. If everyone in his ranking died right this very instant, he would have been fine. For they were nothing more than tulips under his feet. They were nice to look at for a moment, but there would be no real mourning if they died. It was just a bunch of tulips.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kageyama was stirred from his thoughts quickly as a red flare shot up into the air, darker than the dried blood matted in his hair, and a horrible contrast to the deep blue sky. He wondered if the color was chosen on purpose, as if the pre-warning to the blood that would be spilled. He glanced up at Daichi, who’s horse raced ahead, until he was over the valley’s edge and nothing more than a blur. He hung back, watching as the formations carried onward, the thunder of the horses hooves ringing in his ears as they practically flew over the grass plains. But then Kageyama caught it. He caught it first of course, for his sight never failed him, the ugly abnormal shooting out from the woods, his massive feet shaking the earth as it pounded down on the dirt, and while he was too far at the moment, he could hear the echoing shrieks of those who were being crushed under its steps. He tugged his horse to the right, unsheathing his blade, and leaning forward in the saddle, ready to launch himself off the horse as the titan approached. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Within seconds, Kageyama twisted around in the saddle, kicking the side of the mare to urge her onward, as he balanced his hands on her rear, watching as the titan came barreling closer, branches of pine trees stuck like splinters in its grubby, disgusting hands. Kageyama growled, ready to fling himself at the ankles and cut the thing down, but his sightline brought him to the skies. For a second he wondered if it was a bird that had taken off from the tips of the nearest pine trees, but then he came to realize it was person who was flying across the great length of fields, bloodied blades gleaming in his hands as the cords on his belt snapped and he was sent forward, and before the titan could even comprehend the human enough to snatch him, the man twisted his blade, raised it in the air, behind his head and slammed down. Kageyama watched in blatant fascination as the man who made it seem like he was flying sliced into the flesh of the titan making blood shoot up into the sky like a geyser and rain down on his skin as the titan plummeted, its insides melting and outsides sizzling as the smell of burnt flesh of the disintegrating creature filled the air.  </span>
</p>
<p>The man landed soundly on the ground, recoiling his equipment and looked up, a blinding smile on his face, and blood painting his ginger hair an array of dark reds. That blood would burn off of him as the titan corpse began to dissolve, and the smile on his face only disappeared as he took in the horrible stench of rotting muscle.</p>
<p>
  <span>Kageyama wasn’t sure why he twisted the reins of his horse so that she was heading towards the ginger haired man, who the closer he got, resembled more of a boy, almost as short as Nishinoya. Kageyama hadn’t seen this boy before, not that it should’ve mattered, this boy was nothing but a blade of grass under his foot. The boy was probably naïve enough to think that he could save the world, and would end up dead in a matter of time. So why Kageyama pulled his horse to a stop in front of that ginger-haired boy was beyond him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kageyama wished he had kept going straight. Wished that the ginger-haired boy had been eaten by the titan that day, so that he would have never gotten to know him. It would have been easier that way; how could one relive a memory if that memory never happened? It was like some sick joke of Kageyama’s life, reflecting before dying stars, his mindset destroyed in the mere fraction of a second as he wondered what it was like to fly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Oh but the universe really did enjoy these kinds of games.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There was blood. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was not his own.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But for the first time in his life, he wished it was. He wished all his limbs had been torn off, his spine shattered, his head caved in. The physical pain he could have dealt with, death he could have dealt with, but that was always Kageyama’s problem. Maybe he should have taken his own advice, but he would have always been lying. That was Kageyama’s problem, and there would be no coming back from it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He loved.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kageyama cradled Hinata’s head in his lap, tears blurring the lines of reality and the fantasy he dreamed to be in. There was blood staining his clothes, his hands, his mind, and he </span>
  <em>
    <span>cared</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Because the blood was not his own.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey. Hey, don’t be a crybaby. It’ll be fine.” Hinata’s voice was strong. Strong as ever, even though he averted his eyes from the shoulder completely missing his arm. The bone and tissue was exposed, raw and red, and his arm forever in the pit of some titan’s stomach. Kagyema’s stomach lurched in his throat at the sight. The same arm that was used to cut open a titan’s neck, the same arm that would hold him when the nightmares became real, the same hand to grip his own. It was gone now.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>But you won’t be fine.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kageyama leaned forward, trying to keep the tears in his eyes at bay, his irises glassy and pupils blown open in fear. He wiped the blood away from his cheeks, the skin underneath sickly pale. Kageyama dragged him closer, despite the massive gash in his chest, the one that would be his end.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You can’t leave.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>You can’t leave me</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Kageyama whispered, his voice breaking into a million glass shards, slicing open his skin, worse than any other wound he could have obtained.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I won’t.” Hinata whispered back, sluggishly raising his only arm up to brush away the tears from Kageyama’s cheeks.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Promise?” Kageyama choked out. Then Hinata smiled. Why he was smiling, Kageyama could not comprehend. Maybe it was relief. Relief that he wouldn’t have to worry about his blood being spilled. Kageyama had such a good eye. He should have seen it coming, the way the ugly creature pounced from the grassy fields and snatched him straight out of the air. He was supposed to have Hinata’s back. But the creature had beaten him, ripping his arm clean off, inspecting his body before determining it wasn’t a fan of his taste. It made Kageyama ill.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Promise.” Hinata’s voice cracked and withered away into dust as he spoke, blood gathering at the corner of his mouth, but he kept smiling as if he was seeing the break of dawn for the very first time. Kageyama kissed his forehead lightly, and now his lips were stained red too, but that fact didn’t matter anymore. It should have been his blood.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I should have never turned around.” Kageyama muttered bitterly, and Hinata’s eyes widened, knowing exactly what moment in time he was talking about.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t be a dumbass Tobio.” Hinata choked, gurgling on his blood as he harshly swallowed the metallic taste back down his throat. Kageyama shook his head, sweat and blood making his bangs stick to his forehead and he ran his fingers over Hinata’s temple, down his cheekbone, and across his jaw, trying to provide what little comfort he could.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There was just so much blood.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And then raindrops fell from the sky, slow and steady like bullets against Hinata’s skin, but washing the blood way, the crystal droplets turning red as they hit the darkened grass and carried pieces of  Hinata away from him, draining out in the stream nearby, back to the earth.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His skin was cold. So cold. Normally it was as hot as the sun, cheeks pink and orange eyes blazing, but now everything faded. Kageyama brought his gaze to the sky, the light clouds holding the sun hostage, and he wondered if the sun would die with Hinata. Hinata’s breathing had gone light, strangled raises of his chest failing him more and more.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, no, no, no. No, Sho. You’ll be okay. You’ll be okay, just keep breathing.” Hinata smiled and nodded, reassuring Kageyama that it would be okay. Daybreak would come again, and Kageyama would be okay. His eyes told their stories, both before they found each other, before Hinata learned to fly, and of memories of when Hinata taught Kageyama how to fly too. Hinata’s thumb rested on Kageyama’s bottom lip, the faint taste of blood, bitterly mixing with his saliva. Hinata’s breath hitched in his throat, and he gagged on his own blood, a horrible sensation, but he was able to choke back his own tears. He had to keep smiling. Keep smiling for him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay.” Hinata sighed heavily, pressing his cheek into Kagaeyama’s hand. His own fingers moved to tug on the tufts of Kageyama’s hair, trying to urge him to lean down, because all he wanted to do was kiss him, to feel him smile, to pretend that everything would be okay. Kageyama nodded and gingerly kissed him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>For a moment he thought about Daichi and Suga and how they had kissed each other. Like it was there last, and then Kageyama remembered when it was their last. At least it had been fair, only a few seconds apart. They perhaps had been the only ones for each other, a rare case of yin and yang, one could not live without the other. Perhaps that was why fate had let them kiss only for their souls to be ripped out of them. It was only seconds apart, Daichi didn’t even get a chance to scream Suga’s name before he too was gone. And then just like that they had joined each other among the smoke signals rising above. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kageyama was not granted that relief. The universe decided to make him suffer.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But then Kageyama kissed Hinata, but they didn’t kiss like it was the last time they’d ever see the dancing candlelight in their eyes. They kissed like it was their first, tentative and full of excitement for the future. Kageyama wished they could come back from the future, to a time before the world fell apart. But the truth was the world was always broken, Kageyama had just fallen into a fabrication of his own little reality; a perfect world where the sun never failed to shine. Hinata’s mouth tasted like the bitter metallic, and Kageyama knew he was being greedy with Hinata’s failing breath, but he kissed him like it was their first, because Hinata had </span>
  <em>
    <span>promised </span>
  </em>
  <span>it wouldn’t be their last.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I wonder what happens after.” Hinata whispered, his voice trailing off as he blinked slowly, and pulled away from him. Tears poured down Kageyama's face and he was glad it was raining. Hinata shook his head, his face contorting in sudden pain, before relaxing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The sense of touch faded first. It always did. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Both of them had wondered what happened after before. They had long late night conversations painting pictures of peace with their fingers drawing symbols in the air as they stared up at the ceiling, limbs tangled together. Hinata always described a parallel world, a place without titans, tulips growing between the cracks in the stone sidewalks, and a beautiful blue sky. Kageyama would always counter that, arguing for nothing but darkness. An empty peace, void of any feeling, and thought. There would be simply nothing. It was a relieving thought to Kageyama at the time, the idea of nothing, but Hinata’s expression always screwed up and pinched his side, complaining that Kageyama had no imagination and that he was wrong about everything.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kageyama never hoped he would be so wrong in his entire life.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Smile Tobio. There’ll be a beautiful sunrise after the rain.” His hand fell from Kageyama’s face, going limp. He closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them again, and suddenly he couldn’t feel the rain on his skin, although he could see it falling, mixing with the tears dripping off Kageyama’s jaw.. He couldn’t smell it, or the wet grass underneath, nor could he smell his own blood forever staining Kageyama's hands.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Smell always went next.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Then taste. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Then hearing. He knew Kageyama was talking between suppressed sobs, body wracking with pain and grief of the missing sun, but Hinata couldn’t hear him. Hinata tried to shake his head, reassure him of the beautiful sunrise, remind him of the tulips that would bloom after the storms, but he couldn’t speak. He saw his own chest rise and then it stopped. He blinked once, his gaze falling over Kageyama’s features, eyes begging Tobio to smile for him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But as expected, Tobio couldn’t form one.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hinata didn’t blink again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kageyama knew he had failed at his own advice. He knew that he was the fool that would be killed in a heartbeat because he had allowed himself to feel. He had done this to Hinata, but as much as tried to blame himself, he did acknowledge one thing. Hinata had taught him how to love, in a world where monsters filled him with hate. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kageyama Tobio was a good titan slayer. He had perfect aim, and a knack for catching them off guard. He enjoyed killing the titans, letting their blood splatter across his face. Blood had never bothered him, even if it was his comrades. As long as it wasn’t his own, it didn’t matter.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But then he had learned how to fly. He had learned that his ribcage wasn’t a cage for his emotions, but the key to his own freedom. Hinata had taught him that, between training sessions filled with brilliant laughs, and late night drinking by the candle light. And suddenly, Kageyama had learned that it wasn’t just his blood that mattered. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And yet all he wanted now was his own blood to be washed away with the rain and his body to be released into the soil. Kageyama closed his eyes, holding Hinata’s limp body closer. He was a target out here for looming titans, but if his own blood was spilled, he didn’t care. He wondered what happened after. Maybe things would be easier after, brighter even. The rain came pouring down, mourning the loss of the sun, loss of the battle between earth and sky. And Kageyama cried with the sky, because it wasn’t his own blood, it wasn’t him that would get the relief of it all being over. Maybe the sky would cry hard enough to drown him, and then it would all be over and he could finally, finally rest.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But Hinata had been right. The sunrise was beautiful.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sooooo... Guys I don't know what happened. One moment I was vibing with this and the next I was like oop- so anyway that was real cute of me. I hope it was okay, and I'm sorry that I made you all sad, but this is aot. I would say go read my other haikyuu fics to make you feel better, but they're all angst too... though they have happy endings so I guess, slighty different? Anyway I'm sorry, don't hate me. Until next time,</p>
<p>-Daisy</p></blockquote></div></div>
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